Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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