My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As shirtless as possible
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!