Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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