The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
