i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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