I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
