I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
