I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
