Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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