he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pants are for mortals
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
