You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
