Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
