did you get engaged???
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
