Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
