I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
