mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
