just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
