At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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