it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
