apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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