Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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