Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dignity is for republicans.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
