just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
