my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have aggressive nipples.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
