moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
