So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
