Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
