You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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