I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My cat gives me a boner
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
