he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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