I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
