Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
