God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
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I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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