so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
