Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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