After last night, I could never be a politician.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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