I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Even my vagina gasped.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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