i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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