i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
