My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
