My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
