Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
