i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
