I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He did a backflip because drugs
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