I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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