i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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