I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize
