I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
