I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
