I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
