I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
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I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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