i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize