I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
