its not stalking. its research.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
