If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
