I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think i have herpe
just one?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
