i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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