Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
