Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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