remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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