She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
